Our existence is limited. We all emanate from the Shoonya (zero) and because of our inner conflicts, we exist. The day these conflicts end, we shall again vanish into Shoonya, become Shoonya.

I’m like a rational number with two sides, dual characteristics, dual energies, dual poles, positive and negative.

from infinity…, -3, -2, -1, 0, 1, 2, 3, … till infinity

I assign myself a number, say 1. 1 by its very existence on either side of Zero, has two poles, positive and negative, or what we call the good and the bad. The rest of the numbers are the rest of the material world, rest of the life forms. I exist as 1 and that is why I am in conflict with 2 and 3 and so on. That is why I have a give and take relationship, an addition and subtraction, multiplication and division relationship with the rest of the world.

I add to me a family, subtract those who die or go away, multiply into offsprings and divide myself into different roles and duties, like father, son, brother, husband, friend, colleague and so on. I can divide myself into and play all these roles at the same time. Apart from all these external relations and conflicts, I am in conflict with myself, the +1 and the -1, the positive and the negative, the idealist and the realist.

The day these two unite with each other, balance the poles of the other, I become the neutral Shoonya, Nirguna Brahma again. Till then I have no peace. If I am to survive, I must let the conflicts within me to go on; but even then the external conflicts will kill me, sooner or later. Time will get me one day. So I try to minimise the conflict as much as possible. I try my best to reach near Shoonya.

But Shoonya can not be touched in the physical self. So, till then, I must perform my duties, my karma, at peace with myself, and yet, in conflict. I have only separated the + and the – by building a wall between them, putting the positive side forth and suppressing the negative side. But in certain situations and surroundings the negative side does show its existence. And one day will break the barriers and meet the positive; and the climax of their union will set me free, make me Shoonya, make me God.

Till then I have a war to fight to bring balance between the external world and my internal world.

And fight I will. Fight to win.

Written in March 1990

Dialogues with myself

The above thoughts, or 'Dialogues with Myself', were a big part of my adolescent years, where not content with the way society and religion spoke about God and many other things and expected us kids to accept everything without questioning, since they knew better, I tried to debate against their beliefs using my own beliefs reached at by my logical understanding on the subject.

I was unwilling to accept their answers at face value and thus many questions arose in my heart, my mind, my soul for which I sought for the answers within. This gave rise to further questions that seemingly were posed by my own conditioning, the value system given by my family, related and unrelated elders, my education and the society, and I tried to find answers to these as well.

There will be more such posts of 'Dialogues with Myself' where I am questioning the existing norms and wisdoms of the society. Some of my thoughts and answers I reached back then in my high school and early college days are still relevant to me, some I have outgrown and yet some others I have built upon later as my thoughts and understanding matured and life experiences taught me more about others and myself.